I guess you could call this Part 2 in the Nigerian Scam emails. I got this email on MySpace and knew immediately that it was a fake.

The profile was so pathetically obvious that I almost felt bad for leading these pricks on (almost).

What you're about to read is one of the most ridiculous, off the wall and very possibly offensive things I've ever written.

This is over 9 months worth of emails so make sure you get comfortable.

Like in the previous Tirade, everything has been posted here exactly as it was sent and received, and anything written in [ red ] was written in later and directed to you the reader.

Below I've attached a picture from this scammers profile.

From: joy
Date: Oct 14, 2006 12:58 PM

Body: My Name is Bukola,an African American,based in nigeria, am 20 years,6ft-5,Am a student,single n searching,i gat no kids.I am loooking for a nice,loving,and honest Man to spend the rest of my life with.
My Hobbies are Playing football,singing,dacing,clubbing and spend time with my love ones in the Beach and cinemas,i am from the family of 2,i and my mum,lost my dad,i live in my own private rented Apartment,I was viewing different profiles until i got to ur's which finally stole my attraction to u.
I Would love to know u better and Please i wud appreciate it if u give me a swift response.Thanks and God bless you. ,

Ur Secret Admirer.

NB:Incase you have a yahoo chat id,you can add me to ur list,so we can chat more often and get to know .

[ uhm, ok so this bitch is 6 foot 5 inches tall and plays football? Thats one BIG bitch!

Her profile says her name is Joy, but she tells me her name is Bukola

I love how she emails me from a profile with her picture and name, even tells me a different name, yet still signs the email "Ur Secret Admirer"

I don't think this twat quite gets the whole secret part of it. ]

 ------------------------------

From: Alex
Date: Oct 14, 2006 1:21 PM

hello joy

i am a heterosexual male with no history of mental retardation in the family. i like red wine and chicken noodle soup (but not together)

my hobbies include watching history channel and then wrongly quoting what i just watched to my friends in a vain attempt to seem intelligent.

i like that you're 6 foot 5 inches tall, you can easily put me in my place whenever i get liquored up and take out my short aggressions on you.

you mentioned that you had a mum, i too have one. we seem to have alot in common and i would love to pursue our potential romance further.

i hope its not too soon to say this, but i think im falling for you.

alex

 ------------------------------

From: joy
Date: Oct 16, 2006 1:08 PM

Hi Friend,
Its so nice yo hear 4um ya,well am glad u are also interested in knowing me.
plz can u tell me more about urself,so we can start a very good friendship 2geta.
u really sound so nice n caring,Take care of urself and my regards to everyone out there...Bukola

------------------------------

From: Alex
Date: Oct 16, 2006 2:06 PM

hey bukola, you have a beautiful name. it reminds me of my favorite hobby, bukkake.

theres really not much to tell about me. ever since i won the free ticket in the lottery (which i havent cashed yet) ive just spent time traveling and collecting varying types of roadkill. im up to 72 different species already.

do you want children? i want to have some of my own that i may verbally and physically abuse one day.

do you have a digital camera? please take pictures of yourself in a homemade costume of the marvel or dc super-hero of your choice and i will do the same for you.

i love you,

alex

[ if you don't know what bukkake is i suggest you google it but don't do it from work or if you have family in the room. ]

------------------------------

From: joy
Date: Oct 19, 2006 1:25 AM

Hi,
Thanks 4 ur reply,am glad u did.
well,i guess i will be wanting children wen i get married.
but not now,cos am not ready for dat now cos am still studying...

i might be cum to the US by next week for Holiday,so i guess i might get to meet n know u better..take care ALex

------------------------------

From: Alex
Date: Oct 19, 2006 3:49 AM

i was so excited to see that you wrote me. i havent slept since the last email you sent me. ive been sitting at my computer and hitting refresh every 2-3 seconds hoping to have a new email from you, then when you finally write back i get a crappy 3 sentence response.

is there another man? you can tell me, im not the jealous type. ill just have a talk with him and convince him its in his best physical interest to avoid any type of contact with you. thats how much i love you.

when will you come to america to meet my family? ive told my mother all about you and how you have a mother also. she too has one and is looking very forward to talking to you about it.

when i told her that you were 6 foot 5 inches tall and played football she was very psyched at the thought of you trying out for the dolphins. they dont have a very good team this year and can use all the help they can get on their offensive line.

i would be so proud of you if you tried out for and made the team. i would be at every game wearing your jersey and telling all the other drunken fools in the stands that that was my sweet little bukkake hiking the ball to the quarterback.

but enough about my pipe dreams. im glad you want children, we can get started immediately upon your arrival in the states. my mother will be in the room of course for moral support. shes also very good at darts.

if for any reason i fail to implant you with my seed, i wil have several friends, who will also be in the room, that will be standing by and prepared to also attempt to impregnate you.

i desperately need a male heir now that ive won the free ticket in the lottery (which i still havent cashed)

im going to go now sweetheart the mailman should be here soon and i need to go find a good hiding spot in the bushes so that i may pounce upon him before he can reach my front porch.

ill talk to you soon,

Alex

------------------------------

From: joy
Date: Oct 23, 2006 1:28 PM

i am happy u won the lottery,were is the lottery in,as in wat country did u win it from,i havent heard from u since,i missed ya.
i really need to hear 4um u honey,take care

[ the idiot thinks i won the lottery even though i told her the only thing that i won was a free ticket ]

------------------------------

From: Alex
Date: Oct 24, 2006 8:36 PM

hello my dear ebola,

i am so sorry for taking so long to write you back. things have been crazy here since i won the free lottery ticket (which i still havent cashed).

the problem im running into is that i owe $200 in taxes and cant redeem my free ticket until i pay that off. i know $200 is not alot of money but i just lost alot of money recently when i bet against the harlem globetrotters and im still paying off my bookie, fast eddie.

my good friend said he would lend me the money so that i can redeem my ticket but then he broke into my basement apartment through the fire escape and tried to steal my ticket and keep it for himself.

even though i was only in my underpants at the time, i was still able to beat him a little with some unsliced bologna, that i was going to use as part of my halloween costume, and he ran away.

as soon as i redeem my ticket and get my free lottery ticket i will hopefully win enough money to get you a bus ticket from wherever the hell you are to come here.

my mum said you can stay with us when you come here. i live in a 1 bedroom efficiency with my mother, my father and someone i only know as fast eddie.

my mother said we can put the closet doors on the floor and sleep on them with batman sheets. im so excited. i cant wait to lose my virginity to you. we just have to keep it down, not because of mum and dad, but fast eddie gets a little violent if hes awoken from one of his drunken stupors.

im going to go to bed now. dont worry about the free ticket that i won, i have it buried inside an old gym sock in my backyard and i painted a big black X on the ground so i remember where its at. i even drew a map to it but on the map i didnt want to put an X cause thats too obvious.

good night my sweet ricola, i cant wait til you get here so that i can finally sodomize you in public,

alex

[ i knew it was only a matter of time before she asked me to send her money so I beat her to the punch and told her I needed money.

think about what i told her for a second, a basement apartment...with a fire escape...visualize it if you have to.

i also called her 2 different names in the same email ]

------------------------------

From: joy
Date: Oct 25, 2006 12:21 PM

Hi Friend,
thanks for replying me but am abit angry wit u cos u didnt write me back ontime and was bothered about u,if u were okay.
see my love u really have to be very careful about the the so called lottery that u said u won,pls can u tell me alit bit about it,like which country u won it,wat organisation,things like dat cos u know that they are alot of Fruadster out there,so pls be wise enough.

And about the accomodation u said,thanks alot i really appreciate it alot,i guess that will be really kool,aiigh.
i cant believe u wanna really lose ur V to me,well i will be happy to lose mine too to u,just imagine both of us losing it 2geta,it will be great.

well take it real easy,my regards to ur family.take care my honey..Bukola

[ boy she sure is interested in the lottery that I won. no matter what I talk about she seems to go right back to that ]

------------------------------

From: Alex
Date: Oct 25 2006 12:39 PM

hello buboli

im so sorry for taking so long to reply to your previous emails. please dont be angry at me like when mother is. she beats me unmercifully with all sorts of dried fruits.

i won the free ticket in the lottery here in the united states. unfortunately i cannot redeem it until i pay my taxes, which are $198 to be exact.

im looking very forward to being each others firsts. i once was touched by a camp councelor but i dont count that.

mum wants to know what size shoe you wear so that she can make you some ferret skinned sandals for festivus.

do you have all the necessary passports and/or visas so that you may visit me? or do you plan on jumping the border in the middle of the night with a family of mexicans?

i dont care either way, i just want to be inside you.

i love you,

alexito

------------------------------

From: joy
Date: Oct 27 2006 12:31 AM

Hi Alex,
am glad u are wrting me ontime now,its kool.
well,since u said u won it over there,dats kool.why dont u try to payup ur tax so u can redeem ur lottery ontime dear,or is the $198 dat difficult for u to pay-up.
Alex wat account are u using over there in the STATES,BOA ,wells fargo or wat,pls let me know so we can see wat we both can do about the tax debit,i dont like poeple holding debits,its not kool my love.

as for ur Mum that wants to make a shoe for me,dats so lovely of her.my size is size 42,ur mum is so nice n great.
Honey dont worry i have all the neccessary passport needed to come down to u,but its u dat is delaying me from coming,so pls try to redeem ur tickets ontime so u can take care of me abit,okay.
my regards to mama n everyone out there.
i love ya,take care..Bukola

 ------------------------------

From: Alex
Date: Oct 27 2006 1:41 AM

hello my precious bukkake

i dont have a bank account because the government froze my assets because i once got gas at chevron and that rhymes with enron and i got caught in the middle of some stupid investigation.

its all a big misunderstanding and should be cleared up anywhere from 2 weeks to 7 years from now.

the $198 normally wouldnt be a big deal for my taxes but i havent worked since my boss tried to commit a sex crime with me. he was very abusive and whenever i was sitting down minding my business reading comic books he would creep up behind me and tea bag me and everyone at work would have a great big laugh as i sat there like a buffoon humiliated and ashamed, i would be so fucking embarrassed.

as soon as i pay my taxes i will cash in my free ticket that i won in the lottery and cross my fingers that i win enough money so that i can buy a canoe, hire a skipper and sail into the abyss (with you of course)

do you guys get the tv show "lost" over there? i think hugo has the best set of natural tits ive ever seen on a male or female. i dont mean that in a gay way, it was just a casual observation that im totally obsessed with.

anyway im going to see if my friend will lend me the $198. not the one that i caught breaking into my house and beat with bologna, a different friend. i trust this one, hes jewish.

what musical instrument do you think is the sexiest? for me its the accordion. god i can listen to one of those all night and nothing makes me hotter.

anyway im gonna go now honey. its halloween in 2 days and i need to go to all the supercuts in the area and collect the hair off their floors for my homemade sasquatch costume that im making. im going to win first prize this year in the annual costume contest at the blimpies by my house. i can taste that free sub already.

ill talk to you soon

alex

------------------------------

From: joy
Date: Oct 28 2006 6:05 AM

Hi Alex,
am really bothered about u n the problems u have concerning ur tax issue,am not really happy about it.
I want to try to help u out of this mess,cos i cant stand it again,i dont want u to go around to start borrowing cash 4um someone,wat i have in mind is dat,if u can give me ur Full names and address,so that i can call my bank ova there to send u a check,so that u can clear it,then sought ur bills,then probably u can send me the remaining balance so i can use it to come ova to the US to stay wit u n mum for A week,as my BTA Fees,cos i have already bought the flight ticket for about $1,750.and it says that i will be departing on the 5th of november,so i dont really have much time Honey.

Alex,so just try and see wat can happen if u can afford to clear it or not,okay?
Pls get back to me ontime,so i know the next thing to do,okay.

[ heres how the scam works. she sends me a check, i cash the check and it actually clears. i get the money I need and send her the balance.

a few weeks later it turns out the check was counterfeit and I get stuck repaying the full amount. ]

------------------------------

From: Alex
Date: Oct 28 2006 12:21 PM

youve made me so happy. please send me your flight information immediately so that i can bathe myself and wash the hubcaps on my convertible chevette so that i can be ready to pick you up at the airport.

dont worry about the taxes, ill figure out a way to raise the money. youve spent so much on the ticket already my precious little ball muncher that i cant possibly imagine asking you to send me the $198.

dont worry about spending money when you get here. i have an entire cabinet full of ramen noodles. i mix in a little tabasco sauce and some concentrated lemon and we're good to go!

im going to go get my back waxed honey so that its nice and smooth for you when you get here.

dont forget to send me your flight information.

alejandro

------------------------------

November

------------------------------

From: joy
Date: Nov 7 2006 9:13 AM

Hi Friend,
How are u doing,i hope all is fine.
Am sorry i havent written u since,its bcos my mom had been very sick n she's still sick,so have been around her since,cos of this incident,i had to postpone my travel arrangements until she's okay,coz am the only one down here wit her,but as soon as she gets better,i will be coming ova any moment.
Both of us have paid her hospital Bill of $350 deposit required b4 they began treating her,but we are still looking for about $200 to balance-up.
So thats what am looking for now,and i dont want anytin to happen to her,i dont even now who n who to meet for this money presently cos all the cash on me,had been deposited for my travelling allowance n ticket,so am short of cash.
If there's anytin u can do for me,i wud really appreciate it alot my honey,pls try ur best,okay.
Take care,i will be epecting ur mails wit a gud reply,pls my love.am looking upto ya,pls.bye

[ now shes trying the direct approach and just flat out asking me to send her money for her dear sick "mum" ]

------------------------------

From: Alex
Date: Nov 7 2006 10:21 AM

i have been very worried about you. i sat at the airport on the 5th and everytime a flight landed i waited by the gates hoping to see you.

at one point i thought i saw you and got so excited, imagine my disappointment when i realized it was only former nba player manute bol

at the end of the day when i realized that you werent coming i was very upset and as i was walking outside to my scooter some homeless person asked me for spare change, in my anger i hit him in the mouth with my fanny pack, which i keep loaded with marbles, and then i stole his 4 packets of ketchup that he had on him (3 from mcdonalds and one from kfc)

then i made him watch me as i ate one of the packets (the one from kfc) and i fed the rest to a rabid squirrel which promptly attacked the destitute as soon as there was no more ketchup left, that made me feel a little bit better.

whats wrong with your mother? maybe i can send you some aspirin or chicken soup. im still trying to raise the $198 so that i can pay my taxes so that i can cash in the free ticket that i won in the lottery.

i had raised $47 from doing odd jobs around the neighborhood (shoveling snow, tarring driveways, catching cubans coming through the intercoastal on intertubes, etc) you know all the things you do in south florida this time of year.

since you already purchased your ticket to come here, why dont you come over and ill put you to work on the corner of sunrise and federal and im sure we can raise the $200 for your mother and the $198 for my taxes in no time. we could likely do it in one night as long as your jaw doesnt get tired.

let me know my darling. i love you and still cant wait to be inside you!

alex

------------------------------

[ ok I was starting to get bored of this so I decided to speed this game up a little and sent this email ]

From: Alex
Date: Nov 9 2006 3:11 AM

hey my darling little skank

i havent heard from you for a few days and im getting really angered. i need you to check in with me periodically or i wont be held responsible for what happens.

how is your mother doing? i went to a voodoo witch doctor today and gave him my $47 and in return he sacrificed a chicken, a cricket and a sea slug so that your mother will get better.

i have an idea, a few weeks ago you suggested that you send me a check to pay off my taxes, so that i can cash in the free ticket that i won in the lottery, and then i send you the remaining money.

would you still be able to do this? if you can thatd be great cause i can send you the remaining money and hopefully win enough money with my free ticket so that i can afford to take you shopping at the finest thrift stores in the area.

im going to go out into the driveway and do push ups until the morning bus full of children on the way to school passes me. nothing brings me more joy than hearing them little bastards taunt me and call me immasculating names.

i love you and look forward to anally impregnating you,

alex

[ my goal here is to get them to send me a check to my PO Box.

I obviously have no intention of cashing any check that they send me, but it would be great to get them to waste time in making and mailing a check and then spending the money on postage ]

------------------------------

From: joy
Date: Nov 9 2006 3:49 AM

hi,
all u need to give me is ur full names and ur home address,so i can call my bank,then make some online check transfer to u,then u cash it then send my own back,okay.
i luvv u honey

[ nice try bitch! ]

------------------------------

From: Alex
Date: Nov 9 2006 3:00 PM

thank you honey for always taking care of me but you forgot that i dont have a bank account. can you mail me a check to my post office box?

[ they try to get your bank info claiming they're going to send you money but what they really do is clean out your account ]

------------------------------

From: joy
Date: Nov 10 2006 7:37 AM

Hellos,
Will u be able to clear it since u dont have any bank account,send me ur post office address and ur full names so i will send it to u first thing on monday morning.
Then u can take $100 to open A Bank account with Bank of America,so we both can manage it 2geta since we are gonna be leaving as one,okay.
Supply me the above informations i required from u.And how much are u capable of clearing,so i can know how much to send to ucos i have to get my BTA fees of $1000 from it,just let me know ontime my love.
i will do anytin to make u and i very happy,Be my Jay z and i will be ur Beyounce o3 bunnie n claude..haha
i await ur reply soonest...Ur love Bukola...
i love ya.

[ who the fuck is bunnie and claude? ]

------------------------------

From: joy
Date: Nov 11 2006 11:43 AM

I dont think it will be possible for u to clear it,since u dont have a Bank account,or cud ur Mum assist u in doing that,let me know wat to do,or u borrrow $100 to open an account wit [BOA].
hOPE TO HEAR SOONEST..BE KOOL.
MY REGARDS TO UR MUM.

------------------------------

From: Alex
Date: Nov 11 2006 3:23 PM

hello babalou

sorry it took me so long to write you back, i was finding out if there was a way for me to cash your check.

i have figured out how to make it possible. my friend has an account with BOA and if i endorse the check over to him, he will cash it for me.

then i can pay my taxes and send you the rest of the money so that you can pay your mothers hospital bills and purchase all the necessary lubricants for when you come here.

he said he can clear a check for any amount under $8,000. thats how much he has in his bank account.

please send the check to:

Alexander Thegreat Jr.
PO Box 490825
Fort Lauderdale, FL 33349

thank you so much for always being there to help me whenever i get in trouble. youre right, i am your jayz to your beyonce. your oj simpson to your anna nicole smith. your ike turner to your tina turner.

i love you and will batter you physically in ways you never imagined possible.

alex

[ Alexander The Great Jr., that even made me chuckle ]

------------------------------

From: joy
Date: Nov 12 2006 8:28 AM

Well,i guess that will be kool,if it works out the way u plan.i will send the check to the name n address u provided me,and we i do,i will inform ya,okay.
I hope u trust ur friend dat much to clear it for u,because it wont be nice to start hearing stories after everytin we have been through,Darling i only trust and love u for who u are,although i havent really known u but the little i have known is passmark.
Be the best u can be for me my love and i promise to treat u the best way i can too.
i will have to buy alots of tins for u,me and the unborn baby[haha]..i love buying gifts to the poeple i cheerish so much,example you and you only.


my regards to my mama inlaw[ur mother].take care my love..ur beyounce.

------------------------------

From: Alex
Date: Nov 13 2006 12:53 AM

i trust this person 100%. he saved my life once when i was walking home from a chastity rally. i was attacked by a group of prepubescent albino midget nymphos that attempted to forcefully break my hymen.

thankfully he was riding by at the time on his 3 wheeled bicycle and ran one of them over and karate kicked the other on the right side of her left teat. the rest scurried back into their toyota prius and drove off. the whole time the song "you are the last dragon" was blaring from the cassette player that he had in the basket on his bike. it was amazing.

this happened on tuesday, we've been friends ever since. so i know he wouldnt steal from me.

i will email you as soon as i receive your check and then i will blow my dog whistle so that my friend will ride his bike over and ill ride on the handlebars all the way to the bank so that i can cash my check.

i love you and cant wait to dislocate your jaw with my trademark vicious right uppercut.

your gay-z,

alex

------------------------------

From: joy
Date: Nov 13 2006 2:20 AM


Hi Love,
I will send the check today,wen i do i will inform u immediately,so u have to check ur mails at least once in every 4hours,okay.
I want to trust u since u said u believe in ur friend,that notin will go wrong.so await my respond soon.
take care..my love
 

------------------------------

From: Alex
Date: Nov 13 2006 2:31 AM

hello darling,

i will check my mail everyday, every 15 minutes until the check arrives. how will you be sending it so i know when to expect it? can you send it overnight with federal express so that i can get it tomorrow and ill send you back the remaining money by federal express so that youll have it the next day?

al-licks

[ i asked for FedEx overnight cause it was the most expensive way ]

------------------------------

From: joy
Date: Nov 13 2006 2:24 AM


do u have a yahoo messenger,so we cud chat.okay

------------------------------

From: Alex
Date: Nov 13 2006 2:36 AM

i dont have any instant messenger cause im shy and the last time i tried to chat with someone online i vomited chicken noodle soup all over my keyboard and burnt my genitals cause the soup was still very hot.

ill see what i can do about downloading yahoo messenger on this laptop but i dont think theres enough room to hold it. im emailing you now from an old speak-n-spell that i rigged with parts from an old prime-co phone and a refurbished teddy ruxpin that had severe water damage.

ill let you know as soon as the check gets here my little cornhole!

awliqs

------------------------------

From: joy
Date: Nov 13 2006 2:24 AM

If its possible to send it tru the Federal express,i will.
wen u cash the money,send it to me through the WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER [WUMT] OR MONEY GRAM.
When i send it,i will give u my informations that u will be needing to send it down to me,okay.
i love ya...its okay,just keep intouch plz.

------------------------------

From: Alex
Date: Nov 13 2006 2:36 AM

boy, thats really great. youre so good to me. i never imagined id have a woman as special as you in my life who would take such good care of me.

i feel like jim carey in the movie the godfather when he had e.t. on the bike with him and they flew across the moon while the flying monkeys chased them. i always cry when i think about how burt reynolds was originally cast to play the role of elliot but decided not to and instead did a guest appearance on different strokes in the episode where the bike shop owner molested arnold and dudley. i wont lie to you, when they took their shirts off, i got a little bit of a chubby. it wasnt fully hard, but it kind of like got fat on the sides.

im going to go sit by my mailbox now and wait for your check to get here from federal express. please make sure you send me all the information so that i can send you back all the remaining money via western union.

thanks my love,

alex

------------------------------

From: joy
Date: Nov 13 2006 2:24 AM

there's no problem then,after then just make sure u open a bank account wit BOA,okay.so we cud both make use of it 2geta.cos i believe we are one now.

------------------------------

From: Alex
Date: Nov 13 2006 3:01 AM

as soon as i pay off my taxes im going to cash in my free lottery ticket and then go straight to BOA and open an account with both of our names on it.

we are one now and forever. we are binded together in infamy and im sure countless people will love to hear the stories of how we courted each other. perhaps one day we can write about this so that others can read it and feel the same joy that i am feeling right now.

[ hee hee ]

im very shy so i trust you to write a diary for both of us when you get here that we may share with our half-breed godless children one day!

i love you buthola,

alex

------------------------------

From: joy
Date: Nov 13 2006 3:09 AM

u are so luvly and so nice,i will do anytin to make u and i very happy,okay.
i will get back to u less than 3hrs time.
chill abit okay.i love ya too so much.
i llllllllllllllllllllllloooooooooooooooooooovvvvvvvvvvvvvvveeeeeeeeeeeee uuuuuuuuuuuu.

[ i have to mention that the subject to this email was "Thanks my Jay-z" ]

------------------------------

From: Alex
Date: Nov 13 2006 3:34 AM

ok honey

im going to go lay down now. all of the absinthe i drank is starting to get to me. i think i just had a 20 minute debate with dwight eisenhower about the looming threat that the euro has to the american economy and how the american dollar is due for a disastrous collapse.

not to mention that china is hoarding over 321 billion american dollars in reserve (and growing at a rate of 17 billion a month).

when i finally felt like i was winning the argument he called me a nancy-boy, laughed at my clean-shaven head for resembling a freshly circumsized penis and gave me a wedgie before dematerializing.

ill go to the mailbox as soon as i wake up. i love you too my little nell carter,

alex

[ in case you dont know, absinthe is a drink that is illegal in the states. its said to cause people that drink it to hallucinate or as its been called, "to chase the green fairy"

sadly the shit i said about the euro and china are true. dont take my word for it, google it

and for those of you too young to know, nell carter was an overweight african-american actress on the sitcom "give me a break" from the 80's. google her too if you need material to touch yourselves to later ]

------------------------------

From: joy
Date: Nov 13 2006 3:49 AM

u are making me proud of u darling,i will be there 4ever,i have to get prepared for now.bye

------------------------------

From: joy
Date: Nov 13 2006 6:17 AM


hi,
Are u sure u will be able to endorse the cheque to ur friend,is it possible for him to cash it.

If he will not let me know,or better still u can call me immediately to send u his Bank of America informations eg.Full name,Account number,and the Routing number,maybe i will be able to make a transfer into his account so it will be easier and faster.

Or if u are so sure that he can cash the check,then its will be better u give me his Full name,then i will just send it on his name,then get it sent immediately to ur post office mail box.

I just said i sud clear this out b4 i send the check or they wont be any delay in clearing the check,okay.

wat do u feel,check ur profile very well,its written ur profile has been cancelled,or sumtin like dat,is this the only box u have.
i wont mind if u send me ur telepone number,so i might call u soonest am tru wit the transfer or the sending of the check.
take gud care of ursle my love.

[ i guess shes getting nervous now. shes about to put out money to fedex this and wants to ensure my plan to cash it will work, which im already working on my reason for why it wont

if the moron would of taken a closer look at the "Deleted" pic on my profile she might of noticed my fucking head on the image, idiot! ]

------------------------------

From: Alex
Date: Nov 13 2006 3:34 AM

my profile has not been deleted. im having a slight issue with this mailbox but im clearing it up now.

apparently some guy named tom on myspace doesnt like when you send him artistic nude self portraits with nothing but broccoli concealing your private parts. i didnt even request him for a friend, he was just there.

anyway, i spoke with my friend and he said he spoke to someone who works at a taco stand thats close to his bank and that they told him we wont have any problems endorsing the check.

i asked him if he would give me his bank information so we could wire the money and he said no because even though you are pregnant with my child, and me and you are going to be married soon, that he doesnt know you and would prefer to cash the check for me.

please go ahead and send it like we planned. the longer you take to send it the longer me and you are apart.

alex

[ shes pregnant with my child and we've never met. i have super sperm! ]

------------------------------

From: joy
Date: Nov 14 2006 11:39 AM


i just called my bank to clear and findout how my act is in present,wen i send it to u,i will mail ya,okay.
it will get to u on 3-5days,okay.
take care and rmb i will always love ya.my regards to mama,okay.i luv her too

------------------------------

From: Alex
Date: Nov 14 2006 9:59 PM

thank you darling. ill let you know as soon as i get the check and i will cash it right away and send you the remaining money

alex

------------------------------

From: joy
Date: Nov 15 2006 9:47 AM

Hi Alex,
Thanks 4 understanding me,am greatful,i will
get back to ya soonest,hope u are having a nice day out there,my regards to ur mama.
sry who's the little kid u are carrying in ur hand in the pix.

[ the little kid was my godson from greece, it even said so right under the picture on my profile. thats a priest in the background ]

------------------------------

From: Alex
Date: Nov 15 2006 10:01 AM

i dont know who the child is. i was walking by a church when i saw him and picked him up for a few pictures. i thought it would be nice.

the man in the background began chasing me and casting spells. i couldnt taste anything for a week.

ill let you know as soon as the check gets here.

mama says hello and has begun quilting you a parakeet feathered sombrero.

alex

------------------------------

From: joy
Date: Nov 16 2006 5:01 AM


Okay,i have heard.
Alex sud i send Money orders to u,its seems am having a liitle problem wit my bank,which i dont know but am trying to Figure out wats te problem is,but am sure i will findout soonest.
I feel the Money orders will be okay too,since this is a litlle prb.
If its okay by u,i will send it to the name and address u gave me soonest.
i await ur respond soonest,take care my love..Bukola?

------------------------------

From: Alex
Date: Nov 16 2006 12:04 PM

a money order will be fine honey

------------------------------

From: joy
Date: Nov 17 2006 12:01 AM

Hi Alex,
i will be sending it by Monday latest to the name n ady u gave to me,i really appreciate it alot,do take care of urself my honey.rmba i will always love u.Bukola
Have a happy weekend..my regards to mama.

------------------------------

From: Alex
Date: Nov 17 2006 3:11 AM

ok my love. thank you and ill let you know as soon as it gets here. just dont forget that im doing you a favor here and when its time to collect, i want anal. my mother is sitting right here, she says hello!

------------------------------

[ two weeks had gone by and i never got the money order, so i figured if the jig was up that i might as well go out with a bang ]

From: Alex
Date: Nov 28 2006 9:58 PM

what the hell happened to my check? you lied to me!

i had gone to my post office box every single day for the last 2 weeks waiting to see your check and everytime i open the box there was nothing there from you.

to make matters worse the asian man that runs the chinese restaurant accused me of being a fat happy american spy and threw a 42 gallon pot of hot won ton soup on me and i have burns on most of my face, chest, ass, back and neck.

if that wasnt bad enough his children were laughing and pointing at me and calling me round eye.

when i went home to call the police i found out that fast eddie had found my map and dug up the free ticket that i won in the lottery. he even took the sock that i stored it in. hes probably half way to vegas by now.

the police finally came so i could report the burns that the little chink ninja bastard did to me and fast eddies excavation of my future fortune and they ended up arresting me.

it turns out that i had warrants for my arrest because i was so overdue on the $198 that i owed in taxes.

im sending you this email right now from the library on alcatraz island. my cellmate is a gentleman i affectionately refer to as daddy now.

thanks bitch, this is all your fault. you couldnt just send me the check like you promised could you?

i hope that your twat gets the ebola virus and that it slowly eats itself from the inside and that youre stuck with a deformed vagina that seals itself up and you end up as anatomically correct as a barbie doll, you fucking nigerian cunt!

have a happy holidays,

alex

ps- if youve already sent the check then please disregard everything that was typed above except for "have a happy holidays"

------------------------------

[ i figured that email would be the one to end all this, boy was i wrong, this is one dedicated bitch ]

From: joy
Date: Nov 29 2006 1:25 AM

Am really sry that i havent pened u since,i lost my cousin thats the closest person to me,so i havent been able to cum check my email box since then until i saw ur mail today,and am really sry about the arrest.
Am abit angry n crazy too,why we u send me this kind of mail,is this how u are gonna turn-up at me wen we get married.
see i wont like any man to treat/break my heart again.i have always loved n trusted u honey but only for u to just insult me,is this fair,ask urself pls.
i dont lie n i hate it alot,well i will be sending it to u 2mrw morning,okay.just watch out for it.
Am sry about the lottery they stole from u.

------------------------------

From: Alex
Date: Nov 29 2006 8:16 AM

i like soup

------------------------------

December

------------------------------

From: Alex
Date: Dec 3 2006 5:01 PM

ok bukunta im sick of your constant lies. why are you playing with my emotions ya fuck.....huh?

do you get off on making me wallow in my misery? is this some cruel sick game that you nigerian fucks play with us westerners?

"oh lets pretend to be philanthropists and make the silly americans dance around for checks that we'll never send!!"

you better send me my check or i swear to allah ill get an abortion.

are you happy now? is this what you wanted you sadistic fuck!

im so upset that ive been vomiting feces. do you know how hard it is to get that taste out of your mouth?

my neighbors are calling me shitlip. this is all your fault!

if you dont send me my check tomorrow im going to start dating other people.

i love you honey!

your teddy bear,

alex

------------------------------

[ it this point i thought she had given up and i was really just writing to entertain myself ]

From: Alex
Date: Dec 5 2006 12:00 PM

im sorry for losing it on you in my previous email. i was upset and i was venting.

im not upset at you but at myself. you see, i, uh....well, i cheated on you honey.

im so sorry. i hope you can forgive me. let me explain to you what happened.

the other day i was lonely cause youre not here yet and i was really moody because its that time of the month and i was bloated and retaining water.

i decided to cheer myself up by going to the petting zoo. when no one was looking i sort of somehow ended up having unprotected sex with an ostrich.

well i seem to have contracted the bird flu from that little skank.

im too embarrassed to go to the zoo and ask that they pay for half of my medical treatment even though theyre liable since it was a consensual act. 

i need you to send that check immediately. im already eating wild bird seed without using my hands. im getting nosebleeds from hitting my head on the concrete as i peck the ground.

earlier today i was running down the street flapping my arms and the cuban drug dealer with the big scar on his face pointed at me and yelled out "manny, look at the pelican fly....come on pelican!"

i felt like a complete failure because i never got more than 4 inches off the ground before i tripped on the curb and skinned my knee on the pavement.

the only thing that got me through the humiliation was knowing that youll be here soon and once our little child hatches i can regurgitate my lunch and feed our special little freak of nature.

well honey, its tuesday so keeping with my weekly schedule i need to go to the mall now and defecate in as many of the dressing rooms as i can before they release the hounds on me.

i love you,

alibaba

------------------------------

From: joy
Date: Dec 6 2006 12:48 AM

SUBJECT: AM REALLY SORRY..

But why are u acting all this way,u are chaging my love.u neva used to talk to me like dis b4 but u now talk any how to me.well i have sent the money orders on monday it sud get to u b4 2mrw or so,okay.and dont 4get to take ur taxes out of it.take $250 then send $450 back to me so i can cum ova soonest,okay.
i trust and love u my love,,

------------------------------

[ i cant believe she hasnt been pushed to the point of just telling me to go fuck myself yet. i guess ill have to try harder ]

From: Alex
Date: Dec 6 2006 6:07 PM

im sorry for losing my temper but i have to be honest with you, thats nothing compared to the beatings that im going to give you once you get here.

ill of course use the threat of deportation to keep you from going to the authorities. and to ensure that i dont leave any bruises ill use a phone book when i thrash you.

im glad you finally sent me the check. as soon as i gets here im gonna go blow it all on the ponies. i got a hot tip on a horse, you ever heard of lucky lindy in the 7th?

ok im gonna go now and finish recreating the elian gonzalez abduction by the dea with the legos that i got in my happy meal.

talk to you soon honey,

alex

From: Alex
Date: Dec 7 2006 1:05 PM

how dare you speak to me like this? HOW DARE YOU?!?

im over here making a life-sized replica of you out of mashed potatoes to surprise you with upon your arrival in the united states and you talk to me like this?

youre 6 foot 5 inches tall, thats a lot of fucking potatoes bitch!!!

im so sick right now from your previous email that i dont even feel like penetrating the mashed bukola again.

this is ridiculous. you claimed you loved me. was that all bullshit?

your behavior has been inexcusable. you better email me an apology immediately.

------------------------------

From: joy
Date: Dec 8 2006 10:24 AM

Subject: AM SO SORRY ALEX..

Dont be too harsh on me my love,how many time do u want me to beg uam so again,pls. i just sent it to u today,and am sure it sud get to u by nextweek.
have a nice weekend..i love u remember that my honey.

[ i cant believe she actually apologized to me! ]

------------------------------

From: Alex
Date: Dec 8 2006 11:05 AM

im tired of you playing with me, im not speaking to you again until i get the check.

From: joy
Date: Dec 10 2006 7:42 AM

Subject: AM SO SORRY ALEX..

how mamy times sud i tell u that am sry.
i havent finally sent it to u,and am sure u sud be getting it anytime from early nextweek.its a promise now cos i have already sent it to u already,okay.
i love u rmb..

------------------------------

From: Alex
Date: Dec 10 2006 10:49 AM

im sorry did i just hear something? did i read something? i dont think so, cause i already told you i dont want to speak to you again until i get the check that you supposedly sent to me like 6 times already.

prove your love for me and send me my check or leave me alone and ill find another nigerian to occupy my time with while they attempt to fleece me.

i love you,

alex

ps- i bought a yo-yo!

------------------------------

From: Alex
Date: Dec 11 2006 11:45 PM

hi....i uhm..well...uh....i..uh...i peed on my nuts again.

thats it!

------------------------------

From: joy
Date: Dec 10 2006 7:42 AM

Subject: Alex u dont treat my well like a lady!!!

Hi Dear,
how are u today,i hope all is well n fine.
I just want to tell u that u dont treat me like a lady,u dont really care about me again my love,u are making me feel insecure.
My love,by today/2mrw u sud be receiving the money orders and soon it gets to u,pls just cash it immediately and send the balance tru the Western Union Money Transfer[WUMT].
The information u will be required u use in sending the money is;
1.RECEIVER;S NAME--BUKOLA.Z.OBISESAN.
2.ADDRESS OF RECEIVER--FESTAC-TOWN,LAGOS-STATE,NIGERIA.23401.

After that,u will send this informations so i can receice the cash down here.
1.SENDER;S FULL NAME--
2.ADDRESS OF SENDER--
3.THE AMOUNT OF MONEY SENT--
4.THE TEST QUESTION/SECURITY QUESTION--

Pls i await ur respond ontime my Honey,i will be expectin $600 then take the remaining $250.
As soon as u can prove this to me,i will send u a check of about $3,500.It all depends on trust my love.
Which u will take $1,000 from the $3500.

I await ur reply soonest my love,take care n have a nice day..Bukola.

[ for a poor little nigerian girl she sure knows her way around money transfers. and did you notice how the amount that she wants me to send back to her went from $450 to $600? ]

------------------------------

From: joy
Date: Dec 14 2006 9:51 AM

Hi my love,
how's today i hope all is fine.
I guess u must have received the check by now,pls
as soon as u get it.make sure u cash it ontime then send my share down immediately to the informations i gave u b4 now,okay.
i will be expecting the $600 latest by 2mrw.
i trust in u my love..

send the informations that i will be needing to collect the money down here to my private email box.
j_smith900@yahoo.com

------------------------------

From: Alex
Date: Dec 14 2006 11:02 AM

i still havent received the check. whatd you do send it over on the mayflower??

ill let you know as soon as it gets here.

------------------------------

From: joy
Date: Dec 14 2006 11:33 AM

okay thanks.
it will get there soonest so be watchful,thanks.
i love u.Bukola

------------------------------

From: Alex
Date: Dec 16 2006 7:03 PM

ok im starting to think that youre lying to me. its been well over a week since you supposedly sent me my check and even if you sent it by carrier pigeon id of had it by now.

if youre lying to me about this then could you possibly be lying about the fact that youre carrying my child? i havent even met you yet, but i trust you 100% and im taking your word on this being my baby.

i desperately need that money so that i can get my 3rd, 4th, 5th and 6th nipples removed so that i can go to the beach and not have to worry about stray cats and dogs suckling on my teats for nourishment as i mind my business and lay out in my thong-tha-thong thong thong.

seriously bukkake i need you to hurry up and get here so that i may relieve my testicular build-up inside you. last night i tried to satisfy my sexual urges by calling a phone sex number but my penis got stuck in the number 9 again. let me tell you, that shit hurt!

thank you darling,

alex

------------------------------

From: joy
Date: Dec 17 2006 11:36 AM

am sry,atleast by now it sud have gotten to u by now,cos i have sent it to u.
pls just have patient alittle while i guess b4 this week runs outu wil get it definately.
i cant wait 2 be wit ya honey.
i love u,just keep trusting meu wont reget.

------------------------------

From: joy
Date: Dec 18 2006 11:28 AM

have u received it yetit sud have gotten to u by now.
i dont no wats happening.

------------------------------

From: Alex
Date: Dec 18 2006 7:39 PM

nothing yet fatso!

------------------------------

From: joy
Date: Dec 19 2006 3:39 AM

okay just keep chilling,okay.

this is my infos u need wen goiin to the western union.

BUKOLA ZAINAB OBISESAN
LAGOS STATE
NIGERIA.


Then u send me the secret question,Mtcn number,ur full names,ur state.

------------------------------

From: Alex
Date: Dec 19 2006 12:22 PM

thats great but none of this information means much without the check.

it got lost in the mail, send another one immediately!

------------------------------

From: joy
Date: Dec 20 2006 1:28 AM
 

I dont get u,wat do u mean by it got lost in the mail.
Am sure it sud have gotten to u already by now cos i sent it to u since last week monday and definately it must have gotten to u by now,so i dont understand all wat u are saying now.
And i cant send anytin else now,dont u know its my money am sending,or do u think it dat easy to send money just like dat.
Am really pissed off cos am sure u must have recieved it by now.so pls send me my money,okay.

------------------------------

From: Alex
Date: Dec 20 2006 5:00 AM

are you calling me a liar? what part of "i never got your check" did you miss?

it never got here. send it again!

question me again and ill put a curse on you, your family and any cattle that you may own!

------------------------------

From: joy
Date: Dec 21 2006 2:56 AM

well sry,see this is the only thing i can do for now.
tell ur friend to give u his BOA account so i can transfer cash 4um my act to his.
look for any of ur friends who has that act,okay.
that's the best thing i can do 4 now.
dont curse me.

[ her last line made me laugh ]

------------------------------

From: Alex
Date: Dec 21 2006 7:11 AM

i already explained to you that no one is willing to do that. dont you pay attention when i speak to you?

i need a physical check. send one immediately.

i cant begin to tell you how angered i am that i have had to go to my po box everyday to look for your nonexistent check.

a curse is the least of your worries, if you continue to infuriate me i will unleash a plague upon you, your people and any and all deities that you may worship.

my check....NOW!

------------------------------

[ i was getting bored with this so i decided it was time to end it ]

From: Alex
Date: Dec 23 2006 12:59 PM

ok bukola im afraid that im going to have to go ahead and end this debacle. you see, this just isnt fun for me anymore. im not putting in nearly enough effort into making my emails entertaining and my work is suffering for it.

the people reading this now will likely have noticed the huge drop off in the passion involved in my responses to you.

a good performer knows when to exit the stage. i should of exited it like 30 emails ago.

with having said that, i really want to thank you for the priceless material and the entertainment that you have provided for me and my friends.

best of luck to you with any future naive, gullible and lonely bastards that you may seduce, trick and scam into sending you their hard earned american dollars.

hopefully when our presidents done chasing iraqis through the desert he'll turn his attention to some real criminals and declare a war on scammers and then our soldiers can shoot a few scud missiles directly up your african asses.

till then i wish you and all your colleagues eternal constipation combined with explosive diarrhea. after youre done picturing that for a minute do me a huge favor and punch yourself in the face as hard as you can for me.

have a miserable and grief stricken new year,

alex

------------------------------

[ the last part of her response is tommys favorite part of this entire tirade ]

From: joy
Date: Dec 27 2006 2:55 AM

Subject: U are a BASTARD TOO.

WATeva u said,its ur business am sure u have stolen my money.am already reporting the case to the police department,u are gonna go to the jail again.
i wish u a bastard n failure year ahead too.u fool.

------------------------------

[ lets see if we can get her back ]

From: Alex
Date: Dec 27 2006 1:25 PM

why are we fighting like this? i still love you. can we try and make this work?

im sorry but i did lie to you. i spent all the money you sent me when i hired some local thespians to follow me around santas enchanted forest on christmas morning and cheer and applaud for me everytime i turnt my head to the left, to the left.

i know it was a foolish thing to do but i have to tell you that it was the best christmas ever and it was all because of you!

if you want to give our love another try i am ready to stop my whorish ways and marry you. please send me more money so that i can get everything ready for our wedding.

i cant wait to give you a dirty sanchez in front of both of our families and friends as we exchange our vows.

alex

[ i never got a check or a money order from her but i really think she did send one, so i bluffed and said i spent it ]

------------------------------

From: joy
Date: Dec 28 2006 2:48 AM

Subject: I trusted u Alex

I trusted u but u failed me,i already knew that u recieved the Money Orders,cos i made sure i sent it to u,so this is how u want to paid me back,aiigh.
Dont worry,if i dont get any amount from my money in 2Days time from Today,i Promise u that i have already reported the case to my Uncle friend who;s a Policeman in Florida police Department,and sure u will be caught.if u think u can run fine but u cant hide cos all ur informations u gave me has been forwarded to them for ur file.
And the worst time is that u are telling me that i sud send another money,do u think am a fool or wat.
well,just expect to be bursted any moment from 24hours deadline i gave u then u will see wat;s gonna
happen to ur ass,okay.
U can dear u and see,if its gonna be possible.

[ think shes pissed now? lets see what happens when i antagonize her a little more ]

------------------------------

From: Alex
Date: Dec 30 2006 3:12 PM

i forgive you for threatening me. i know youre upset and you didnt mean those awful things that you wrote.

but seriously i need more money. you didnt send me nearly enough. i need about $5,000-6,000 this time please.

you can send it to the same address that you sent the other money orders to.

i didnt know that your uncle had a friend that works for the florida police department. thats great. email me his phone number so that i can invite him over for tea and a hand job one day.

will he be invited to our wedding?

ok i have to go now but please honey send me more money immediately.

thanks, youre the best,

alex

------------------------------

January

------------------------------

From: joy
Date: Jan 8 2007 6:55 AM

just watch u back dats all i can tell u.
a word is enuf..u think u can go free,its not..just watch out???

------------------------------

[ lets take this in a different direction ]

From: Alex
Date: Jan 8 2007 7:05 AM

i dont know if you realize it sweetheart but you sent me a counterfeit money order!

the police came to my house and took me in for questioning.

they held me in there for over 4 hours. they even had an agent from the federal bureau of investigation (fbi) and homeland security there.

they said it was a matter of national security since it involves money sent from another country and it fell under some section of the patriot act that combats the funding of terrorism.

i was so scared. they insulted me. they had some retired matador in there and he beat me with his rolled up red cape.

but i was strong, i refused to tell them any information about you my love. but they seized my computer until the investigation is complete.

they also said i have to pay back the bank the full amount of the money orders. im going to have to go back to turning tricks to raise that money.

im writing you now from a computer at one of my johns houses.

im scared that theyre going to be able to find out who you are from the information on my computer.

please baby to be safe delete this myspace account immediately and if anyone contacts you do not admit that you know me or sent me any money.

i still plan on being with you once all this is cleared up.

i love you and will die protecting you!

alex

------------------------------

From: joy
Date: Jan 11 2007 3:49 AM

Subject: i taught u wanted to be smart..

Am sry,u will have to face it all,and there's no way that they cud get me cos they dont have my true full names or address,or wat so eva.
U were very happy wen u cash the money orders,and u didnt see my money back,and now u are telling me nonsense.
i told u that they will get ur fuckig ass,didnt i?
u are so stingy n greedy,even u cudnt send me anytin else.u too bad 4 ur fucking dirt ass.
i will get out ur 4king informations to any one who mails me,and put u in trouble.
u enjoyed ur xmas,but i didn really enjoyed mine cos u sheeted me,so this is the result.
If theres gonna be a next time,u smart,okay.

DO U NEED MORE MONEY ORDERS SO I CAN SEND MORE TO U,SO U CAN HAVE ENFUG MONEY AGAIN N GET BURSTED..HAHA HAHA

THE ONLY WAY I CAN ASSIST U IS,IF U CAN SEND ME $400 TO ME,OR U GET ALL THE FUCKING TROUBLE.
WISH U GUD LUCK IN JAIL SOON!!

[ wow ]

------------------------------

From: Alex
Date: Jan 11 2007 8:30 PM

the police were just here my love. they found all of your information on my computer.

they have already contacted myspace.com and are going to subpoena them for your IP address so that they can trace where you are logging online from.

i said you lived in a different country and that they had no jurisdiction over you and they laughed at me, gave me a wedgie and said its called the 419 code or something like that, so theyll be able to prosecute you as well even though you live in nigeria.

they tried to trick me into giving them more information about you. they said you really arent named bukola. and that most likely youre some men trying to steal from me. ill never believe their blasphemous lies!

im sorry its come to this but id rather kill myself than go back to being someones bitch in prison again. they dont even hold you after theyre done.

i truly did love you but im afraid this is the end for me and for us. im charging my electric razor as i type this and as soon as its ready im going to use it to slit my wrists.

farewell cruel world!!

[ in case you didnt catch it, if you try and slit your wrist with an electric razor the only thing youre gonna get is really smooth wrists ]

------------------------------

From: joy
Date: Jan 13, 2007 11:42 AM

Subject: be a bitch,its kool

well gudluck,take care..

------------------------------

[ i think its safe to say that ive succeeded in completely losing her. now the fun begins, lets see if i can lure her back in ]

From: Alex
Date: Jan 24, 2007 3:39 PM

Subject: GREAT NEWS!!!

hello my love

youll be happy to know that im a free man! the police did not press any charges against me. they released me and returned my computer to me.

even better news is that while i was in alcatraz i ran into fast eddie, you remember him dont you? he was my bookie that stole the free ticket that i won in the lottery. he got busted for selling a counterfeit "virgin mary on french toast" on ebay.

well anyway during one of the nightly strip poker games in my cell block things got a little crazy and next thing you know i saved him from an attempted gang rape by martha stewarts old cell mate, large marge (yes, the same large marge from pee wee's big adventure).

thank god i had that shiv on me that i made out of the mummified remains of the hispanic pet mouse, speedy, that i nurtured during my incarceration.

i was able to ward her off by incessantly jabbing her in her uterus with it until she got annoyed and left, but not before she took my bologna sandwich and the left one of my state issued white and black flip flops (ill never know why she didnt take the right one)

but the good news is that fast eddie was so grateful that he told me where he hid the lottery ticket that he stole from me.

he had wrapped it inside a square sponge, then stuffed it into an old pair of pants and hid it in a pineapple under the sea. while i was bobbing for it i found a beautiful pink starfish and its 5 points reminded me of a pentagram, which reminded me of a virgin sacrifice, which reminded me of you!

so i got my ticket back and i redeemed it and won another free scratch ticket! now that im back on top we can finally be together, that is if you still want me?

what do you say? are you ready to come to america and be my bride and teach me how to hunt fish with a spear?

i love you,

alex

------------------------------

From: joy
Date: Jan 30, 2007 11:51 AM

Subject: ON ONE CONDITION.

Hello Dear,
well on one condition which is,if u can send me my money i need,i will do anytin for ur ass baby.
so get back to me babes.i await ur reply honey.take care..Bookie

[ welcome back bitch! ]

------------------------------

From: Alex
Date: Jan 31, 2007 10:31 AM

AHHHHHHHHHH. OHHHHHHHH. AAAAGGGGHHHHH.

im in so much pain right now baby. i got my penis stuck in the toaster again and i had 1.21 giga-watts of electricity running through my scrotum for a good full half an hour before i passed out.

now everytime i get a hard-on the tv changes channels. its very frustrating cause ill be watching maury and just as hes announcing "when it comes to 4 month old tiesha, leroy, you are .....", and of course this is where i get a chubby from the anticipation and it switches it to animal planet. now ill never know if leroy fathered shamekas asian baby. not to mention that i have to finish myself off while watching ani-mail.

anyway i have a 4 inch thick coat of elmers glue and ketchup on my sack now, that seems to be helping.

where do you want me to send this money to?

i cant wait till you get here so that i can verbally abuse you until you develop an eating disorder.

i love you,

alex

------------------------------

From: joy
Date: Jan 31, 2007 12:03 PM

send it tru western union money transfer.
BUKOLA.Z.OBISESAN
LAGOS-STATE.
NIGERIA,23401.

SCAN THE RECIEPT TO ME TO MY EMAIL ADY.
J_SMITH900@YAHOO.COM

I LOVE U BABY.

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February

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From: joy
Date: Feb 1, 2007 6:51 AM

Subject: still waiting for u

honey am still waiting for the money dear

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From: joy
Date: Feb 12, 2007 11:55 PM

Subject: i havent heard 4um u since.

i havent heard 4um ya since,hope all is not bad.
get back to me dear and am still waitin for the money.bookie

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From: Alex
Date: Feb 21, 2007 10:58 PM

hello my baby-bitch. im so sorry that i havent written you sooner. im in a shitload of trouble over here.

i dont know if you guys have tv's or radios in that african jungle that you live in but if you do then you likely have heard about the death of anna nicole smith and the huge legal battle going on over here concerning her body and her daughter.

well ive been hiding and laying low because im afraid that theyre going to subpoena me to testify in court. i made the mistake of confiding in one of my close friends that i had rubbed one out to a picture of anna nicoles teets prior to her death.

well i thought he was my friend but he immediately called the feds and told them about me and he says that now they want to give me a dna test to see if im the father of her kid.

im not ready to be a dad, i still have dreams and aspirations of being a cabaret dancer in las vegas.

how the fuck am i going to do that if im stuck home breast feeding a kid? just think of the stretch marks thatll give me!

i might need to come stay with you in your hut or teepee or igloo or whatever the hell it is that you fuckers live in over there until this entire mess boils over.

if thats cool with you, me and fast eddie can be on the next bus to africa.

please let me know immediately my darling little wookie,

alex

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From: joy
Date: Feb 22, 2007 12:07 AM

Subject: RE: u are welcum

if u are gonna cum down here,u will have to send some cash for ur hotel reservations,okay.
dats the only problem i might have wit u guys.
so let me no wats up.

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From: Alex
Date: Feb 22, 2007 12:14 AM

well, uhm, i was kind of hoping that we could stay with you
 

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March

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From: joy
Date: Mar 11, 2007 12:30 PM

i have still seen the money,wats happening,
plz send me some money okay..i love u

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From: Alex
Date: Mar 12, 2007 4:38 AM

hey booster

you should of received the cash by now. i sent it on the 29th of feb. if it isnt there yet i imagine it would be there sometime between today and the next couple of months.

you cant miss it. i wrote CASH INSIDE really big on the envelope so that the mailman would know to be careful with it.

do you guys take part in the daylight saving time in that backwater country of yours or do you still gauge the time of day by the position of the sun and the moon in the sky?

well anyway, instead of setting my clock forward an hour i accidentally set my clock forward an entire day.

everyone else is upset cause its monday for them and here i am enjoying tuesday!

anyway im heading to the movies to see "300", the new movie about the rise to power of fidel castro during the industrial revolution in sparta (or as it was known in biblical times, cuba)

talk to you soon my intellectually inferior princess,

alex

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April

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[ i had actually forgotten about my little penpal so i dropped her a line ]

From: Alex
Date: Apr 3, 2007 1:32 PM

are you still coming to america so that me and my friends can have our way with you?

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From: joy
Date: Apr 5, 2007 9:13 AM

can i shop a laptop to u,so u can help me send it down here dear.
i will be cuming in july wen i get money,okay.i have u ady,sud i send the laptop,plz dear.

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[ i never at any time discussed a laptop with her in any way but i figured id go with it. i want to see what her angle is and how she'll attempt to get money out of me this way. im guessing she most likely confused me with one of the countless others shes currently trying to rip off ]

From: Alex
Date: Apr 16, 2007 12:18 AM

yea hurry up with my damned laptop. how am i supposed to rub one out if i cant log onto 8th street latinas?

actually i wont be rubbing anything for a while, i got into a fight today defending your honor my nubian queen.

i showed my gay spanish friend marty cone the naked picture of you that i cropped together using the picture of your head, the torso from a curious george coloring book and scratch-n-sniff hot dog stickers for feet.

he had the audacity to call you a nappy headed ho. i was so mad at him that i closed my eyes and swung on him as hard as i could.

i missed him completely and as i was spinning around i accidentally punched some female college basketball player right in her cunt.

she then proceeded to beat me unmercifully for about 5 to 45 minutes.

it was somewhere in that window of time. i dont know for sure cause i blacked out and only woke up when i felt fast eddie tugging on the front of my pants.

he ran off when he saw me waking up. im not 100% sure, but i think he was planning on giving me the ole hucklebuck.

anyway my chocolate fuck toy, send me my laptop to:

Alexander Thegreat II
PO Box 490825
Fort Lauderdale, FL 33349
USA

and make sure you load some black and white slow motion videos of yourself doing push-ups. preferably garbed in late 80's attire like madonna wore in the movie desperately seeking susan.

i dont want any audio. i plan on watching it while listening to side 2 of pink floyd: the wall.

thanks my primitive freak of nature.

i love you,

alex

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From: joy
Date: Apr 27, 2007 5:38 AM

How are u doing,i hope all is well wit u dear.
i dont really understand all u are writing,i have really missed u badly and cant wait to meet ya.
i was at the airport yesterday and i saw alots of white poeple coming into nigeria,and it was so nice to c dem,i hope i would see u one day too.
Darling pls send me $100,tru western union,i really need it for sumtin gud,i will still send u a laptop.
have anice time n hope to hear 4um u since u rae online,okay.Bookie

[ ah it seems that she remembered who i was ]
 

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From: Alex
Date: Apr 27, 2007 7:05 AM

hello my little chocolate beast,

i hope youre doing well. what the hell were you doing at the airport? are you out there soliciting again darling? you know i frown upon such behavior.

im really sad to hear that so many white people are coming to nigeria. there goes the neighborhood. i hate crackers.

but anyway, yes send me my laptop and ill send you the $100 for "sumtin